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 The Adventures of Bob Man and Awesome Dude

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Blizzlock
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PostSubject: The Adventures of Bob Man and Awesome Dude   Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:33 pm

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Bob Man, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally puzzled, Bob Man grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved orb was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Awesome Dude. Bob Man had known Awesome Dude for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Awesome Dude was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bob Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Awesome Dude picked up to a very ecstatic Bob Man. Awesome Dude calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually sassily sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bob Man. Why was Awesome Dude trying to distract Bob Man? Because he had snuck out from Bob Man's with the orb only six days prior. It was a saucy little orb... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bob Man got back to the subject at hand: his orb. Awesome Dude sneezed. Relunctantly, Awesome Dude invited him over, assuring him they'd find the orb. Bob Man grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Awesome Dude realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the orb and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Bob Man took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least seven minutes before Bob Man would get there. But if he took the Bob Mobile? Then Awesome Dude would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Awesome Dude was interrupted by four abrasive turtles that were lured by his orb. Awesome Dude cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he fearlessly reached for his gerbil and fearlessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Bob Mobile rolling up. It was Bob Man.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Bob Man was out of the Bob Mobile and went explosively jaunting toward Awesome Dude's front door. Meanwhile inside, Awesome Dude was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the orb into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his elephant. Awesome Dude was worried but at least the orb was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Awesome Dude indiscriminately purred. With a quick push, Bob Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted genocidal maniac in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Awesome Dude assured him. Bob Man took a seat right next to where Awesome Dude had hidden the orb. Awesome Dude cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bob Man was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Awesome Dude noticed a annoying look on Bob Man's face. Bob Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Awesome Dude felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Bob Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the orb right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Bob Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bob Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Awesome Dude could react, Bob Man skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The orb was plainly in view.

Bob Man stared at Awesome Dude for what what must've been seven seconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Awesome Dude groped explosively in Bob Man's direction, clearly desperate. Bob Man grabbed the orb and bolted for the door. It was locked. Awesome Dude let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bob Man,' he rebuked. Awesome Dude always had been a little pestering, so Bob Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Awesome Dude did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his orb tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Awesome Dude looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bob Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bob Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Awesome Dude walked over to the window and looked down. Bob Man was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bob Man was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Awesome Dude's place. Bob Man had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral turtles suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the orb. One by one they latched on to Bob Man. Already weakened from his injury, Bob Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of turtles running off with his orb.

About four hours later, Bob Man awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Bob Man did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting fanstic pumpkin patch, Bob Man was very lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his orb was taken by the turtles. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big turtle emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha turtle. Bob Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the turtle sunk its teeth into Bob Man's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bob Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Awesome Dude was entombed by anguish over the loss of the orb. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his kidney. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bob Man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the orb that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant turtles, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after.

The End. :'(

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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of Bob Man and Awesome Dude   Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:49 pm

You’re an insane genius. That is all.
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